My boyfriend took this picture the other morning on the way to tell my WHOLE ENTIRE family THAT I AM FUCKING PREGNANT! I can’t believe I am typing this, this is real! Wow, I have known I was pregnant for awhile now(duh), but holy shit guys! I am so terrified, happy, scared, happy, anxious, happy (makes sense right), I don’t know what to do with myself. My title says “cautiously” because when you are pregnant again after a late loss, you are excited but scared and cautious because of what you know could happen.
What it was like to find out we were expecting again
We had just come back from a trip to Hawaii, where I thought I was going to get my period but made it through the trip swimming in the ocean not having to worry about attracting any sharks. When we got home it had been 5 days since “Aunt Flow” was suppose to make her appearance, so I thought maybe it would be a good idea to take a pregnancy test to just rule it out (I did not think there was any way I was pregnant). I nonchalantly took my test, and then went to do the dishes and when I came back and saw the positive on my two sticks, I started hysterically crying. I called my boyfriend and my mom screaming, with tears flowing down my cheeks, “I HAVEN’T BEEN PERFECT!” “WHAT IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW I WAS PREGNANT”. I was in hysterics, but my mom and boyfriend were both completely content with the news (maybe a little worried about my sanity). Being pregnant again was something I thought about daily, something I wanted more than anything, yet actually finding out I was pregnant again was absolutely terrifying. The whole day felt like the world had stopped moving, I have never been so scared and happy at the same time. When my boyfriend came home after kindly taking breaks at work all day so he could listen to me scream and cry, we sat down together and he reassured me that everything was going to be okay. We talked about taking each day one step at a time and enjoying the little bits of those days as much as we can. He is always great at calming me down and making me feel confident in the things that scare me the most. From losing our son we learned we do not have control of everything, and that whatever is going to happen is just going to happen. The only thing we can do is try our best to enjoy each moment and be thankful for what we do get in each day (easier said than done I know).
How I feel now
My feelings change each day, but for the most part I am optimistic that at the end of this pregnancy I will be holding my screaming, living, baby girl. That I will be a mother to a living child, and will be so grateful to her and everything about her. Being pregnant has been a rollercoaster of emotions, some days I want to drive away to Mexico and hide away until I know everything is okay, and some days I want to go outside and run up and down my street screaming, ” I’M PREGNANT.” Some days I want anyone and everyone to know how happy I am to be pregnant again, and other days I don’t want anyone to know in fear of disappointing someone again. I have been doing my best to keep busy, so I am not spending too much time sitting alone with my thoughts. Starting this blog has been a tremendous help, as well as meditating, and just spending time outside. I sometimes feel guilty that I am not being perfectly calm and stress free, however I know that it is completely normal. How can I always be optimistic when I have experienced the worst? I can fight to stay positive as much as possible, but sometimes I am going to have bad days, or moments, and that’s okay too. This pregnancy has been, and will continue to be difficult, however I am hopeful and ready to met our baby girl!
Here is a link to a support group with great resources for women pregnant after loss. Much love Mommas!