How’s the Baby?
She’s great! She moves constantly, which is the best feeling in the world. After losing my son one of the things I looked forward to most about being pregnant again was feeling those little kicks, and she is quit the kicker so I am incredibly lucky. My boyfriend and I love talking to her, singing to her, and reading to her – we love her so much already. We are pretty set on a name already and we both really excited about that (girl names are so much easier than boys).
My doctor appointment have been good and reassuring which is completely different from my last pregnancy, thanks to luck(?), and having wonderfully kind doctors. I go in every 4 weeks, and I get an ultrasound from my high risk doctor every 8. Once I get into my third trimester I will see my regular doctor every 2 and my high risk every 4 weeks, and very soon after making it into the third trimester will start doing non-stress tests every week.
How am I doing?
Depends on the day! Haha! But really, my mood changes so much I am not sure how to begin to explain ‘How I am doing.’ Sometimes I feel really good and positive about everything, and sometimes I feel like I am drowning and on the verge of a mental breakdown.. there is not too much of an in-between. I am happy to say that I have been working on my coping skills (writing, meditation, breathing, self-care, therapy), which have been instrumental in making day to day life easier for myself.
Paranoia would be an accurate description of my day-to-day mood. I am constantly checking on how much she is moving, making sure I am drinking enough water, taking in enough vitamins and protein. I am constantly worried about her and if I am doing everything right, but sometimes I have to remind myself that no one is perfect and I am doing the best I can which is amazing. This whole process is hard and I won’t feel secure until she is screaming being laid on my chest-ALIVE.
Saying I am scared would be an understatement, but saying I am grateful and overjoyed doesn’t accurately describe how happy I am to be pregnant again either. It is a really weird feeling between pure joy and fear. . I have times where I feel guilty and sad that my son isn’t here, I think about how he should be rubbing my belly saying, “little sister?” how he should be anxiously waiting for her arrival with us, and we should be saying, “Can you believe Maya is going to be 2, and then 2 months later we will be bringing our little girl into the world!” All of the emotions that come along with this pregnancy feel like I am being hit in the face by two different equally heavy trains: one is full of sadness, wishes, what ifs, and hopelessness, the other though, is full of promise, gratitude, everything pink, and so much love.. Makes sense right?
Pregnancy after loss is fucking hard.
What am I doing different this Pregnancy After Loss so far.
I have a regular OBGYN doctor and a high risk doctor which I mentioned above, which is pretty standard for anyone who has a risk of pregnancy complications. I discussed with my high risk doctor how this pregnancy was going to go before we got pregnant, and now that we are I am making sure all of those plans are still in play. Having a plan helps make you feel like you have a little control.. which come on who doesn’t like to feel like they have a little control in life sometimes(ha!)
Trusting my intuition, trusting my motherly instincts have been a priority for me, if I am not sure about something, or something just doesn’t feel right, I voice my concerns and make sure I am heard. When I was pregnant with Maya I had a lot of questions and concerns that were quickly dismissed because of my young age, or because the doctors I am guessing didn’t find it important. I always wonder, what if I spoke up more, if I demanded do more tests, or asked for a second look? This pregnancy I do not care if I look “crazy,” or if I am being “too demanding,” and lucky for me my doctors completely understand where my fears are coming from and will always take that second look if that means helping me feel more reassured.
Another important thing I have learned to do is to just say “no” this pregnancy. If I don’t want to go, if I don’t want to do it, whatever it is and it if doesn’t make me happy, I just say “no”. Of course I can’t say no to absolutely everything I don’t want to do, but I make sure to do what makes me happy, and not worry so much on everyone else and their needs. I am making myself a priority and with that I am making my baby girl one too. I need to be in a good place emotionally and spiritually first.
“Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws”
Here is a great organization with great resources if you are struggling with your pregnancy after loss or if you just want to check it because there is no such thing as too much support 😉 –