Diary Entry #1

5/19/19 9:24 pm

Today was an okay today, considering how hard the last week has been. My car got broken into for the second time (the first time they smashed my window), and they stole everything out of my glove box, which I had forgotten to take out my pink slip. We are also not sure if we will be able to stay at the home we are renting and are really relying on a place that isn’t guaranteed for us.. and we have to have a home by the time baby girl makes her way into the world. It has been incredibly stressful and I have been disappointed with my self as well because I have been letting the stress affect me negativity. I know I can blame a lot of my crying and yelling outbursts on pregnancy hormones and the general anxiety of pregnancy after loss, however I hate when stress causes arguments with my boyfriend, decreases my inspiration and overall mood or self esteem. It just been a shit week.

Anxiety and self doubt took over this week along with a lot of negative emotions and it’s so easy for myself to get so caught up in that negative space that I don’t allow anything else in, and I fucking hate that I do that to myself! Ari! You know that it’s wrong, you know that these things don’t really matter, you know that the people who are comparing yourself to you are only seeing the highlights of their lives through social media, you know are smart-loving-capable-freaking-amazing, so why! Because it’s easier, and because I am so accustomed self loathing! Ugh, good to get that out. Breath, Ari, breath.

I just want everything to be okay. I want to see my little girl come out screaming, having her moving and wiggling on my chest, to be learning out to get her to latch properly, to be taking her home, and to be spending the rest of my life with her. I want the outcome to be okay, I want to feel okay, and I want to get through this feeling like I can do anything. Pregnancy is hard, but pregnancy after loss is scary, so damn scary. I know I can do this, I know I can get past this fear and anxiety, for her, for my baby girl.

 

ajSHklsjdfa uwhriqeljkgnlakjng.,masdnoireg AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 

Good night! :p