Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting about my anger and what how it has shaped myself and how I interact with others. Being anger has always been a safety net for me; kept me away from people who hurt me, made others keep a distance, and always saved me from getting my hopes up. Since as long as I can remember, since as long as my grandma and mom can remember, I have always been an angry child. I don’t remember ever feeling satisfied with the world and how I have felt it has treated me, and especially not with the people in it. Everyone has always disappointed, hurt, or left me(or so I have felt), so I didn’t expect much from others, and I never went out of my way to see if I could find more.
Losing my son, and growing up if I am being honest has taught me so much about life and the people around me. And I think the most important lesson I have learned lately is that my anger does not serve me. I am proud of confidence I have in my anger, that I can rip someone apart if they deserve it, and that I am never afraid to stand up for myself, but it doesn’t need to define me. Anger doesn’t have to be my go-to reaction everything negative or not ‘completely positive’. I am more than an angry girl, a girl destroyed by her upbringing.
Something I have also realized about my anger and what it has done to myself and my life is that is gives everyone around me my power. I always felt it gave ME power, it gave me a sense of control. But that was wrong, so wrong. Being angry all-the-time, letting it control everything I do, anger controlling how all of my relationships functions, effectively strips me of all my power. My power to succeed, to grow, to be me —a woman who is much more than her anger.
Letting go of what has made you comfortable your whole life is hard, and not done over not. I am a work in progress, but I am happy I now can recognize it as a problem instead of a warm solution. I still get angry.. everyday really. Anger still makes me feel safe and comfortable, but I am learning to new ways to cope and learning new things about myself that make me special. I will be strong, and capable of taking care of myself, but my goal is to let vulnerability in.
*My diary rants are completely unedited and just for fun. Thanks!