As I kid I would ask my mom “Why did you have so many kids when it hurts so bad to give birth?” and she would always say “Because as soon as you hold your child for the first time, all that pain goes away instantly and you are just in love, a love like you have never experienced before.”
When I held my stillborn son for the first time that is exactly what I felt. I was so in love with this perfect being, who resembled myself and the man I loved, who I knew instantly I loved more than anything. He was here, the wait was over, and I couldn’t believe someone so perfect came from me, someone so perfect fit so perfectly in my arms, and even more I couldn’t believe this perfect little person was dead. I finally felt that love my mom talked about, that other mothers always beamed about, but instead of nurturing that love for rest of my life, I was saying goodbye.
Being silent, being still, he was STILL my son
He was real. My love for him was real. I carried him for 37 weeks and loved him every kick and hiccup along the way. And 2 years later: the love is still as real and the wounds as deep. My sweet baby boy: my love for you is endless, just like the mothers who left the hospital on June 28th 2017 with living, screaming babies, my love for you is just the same, just as real. I love you.