Maya’s 2nd Birthday.

Maya Richard Morgan-Chubb

The most perfect angel was born June 28th, 2017 weighing 5 pounds, 14.6 ounces, measuring 21 inches long. I remember the disbelief when they laid him in my arms, I could not believe my partner and I created someone so perfect. His nose that framed his face perfectly, his chubby checks that deserved a million kisses, his tight dark curls I could have ran my fingers through for hours. He was perfect in everyday possible, and I couldn’t believe that he was apart of me, that he was a part of the love myself and his father shared. The love I felt bursting through my whole body while I held his small lifeless body, was like nothing I had ever felt before. This was my son, this was real, this curly haired boy was mine. I remember looking at Miles (Maya’s daddy) and saying, “he’s perfect”, and us both crying: prideful, in love, and absolutely heartbroken. When I handed Miles, Maya, he held him crying, his eyes glued to his perfect little face. I remember lying in the hospital bed watching Miles experience fatherhood for the first time, and I remember feeling the love and heartbreak drowning everyone in the room. Our nurses were crying, my mom was crying, Miles and I in shock with tears endlessly flowing town our cheeks. It is so hard to put into words how we were simultaneously in love and thoroughly broken while saying hello and goodbye to our baby boy.

photo dec 17, 3 18 33 pm

It has been 2 years now,

And I still miss him as much as the day we said goodbye. I still wish that I held him longer, that I knew I was going to want more pictures, more keepsakes. I still wonder everyday what he would be saying, doing, what interests he would have. If he would be loud and destructive, sweet and sensitive, or a mix of everything. There hasn’t been a day I  have not thought of him, missed him, or dreamt of him. 2 years later it is still raw and I still wish with everything I have.. that he was here. But 2 years later, I have built my life around my grief, and I have found ways to make meaning from his death. I have learned that he gave me gifts I would have never had without him, lessons would have never been learned if it wasn’t for him, and I wouldn’t be where I am now without my little boy.

The pain and heartache is awful, but what has come from it has been very good. I am still coping, grieving, and figuring out my life after loss, but I doing it with my son. Most of what I do is with him in mind— to make him proud, to give his life meaning. He was such a gift to my life, to his fathers life, to my families life.

Dear Maya,

Happy Birthday our beautiful boy. Mommy and Daddy love you more than my writing skills(or lack there-of) could ever do justice. We think of you everyday, and we are constantly talking about you. We dream of the day when we get to see you again, and we hope wherever you are it is somewhere warm and gentle. Your baby sister is due soon and we know you are being the most perfect and protective big brother while we wait for her arrival. We can’t believe it has been 2 years! We have a 2 year old! Where has the time gone? I imagine you taller, with long curly hair, because I would refuse to cut it, and a hilarious personality. We would probably be buying you tool belt for your birthday so you could be just like daddy, and some more books so we could keep reading to you every night. For your birthday dinner I am going to make pork chops, mash potatoes, and broccoli, and to tie the dinner together we are going to have an ice cream cakes because I have feeling ice cream cakes would have been your favorite. We love you so much Maya. Happy birthday baby.

-Mommy and Daddy.