Diary Entry #8

7/5/19 10:23 am

I have not been able to tell anyone who asks how I feel: expressing what my anxiety feels like, or what people can do to help me. I pretty certain it is the fear: the fear is is making me feel stuck and scared to understand how I really feel. Pregnancy after loss is scary and like I have said before putting it into words is extremely difficult, and even more difficult is being able to know exactly how you feel. I know that I am scared, I know I am sad, and I know I love this child in my stomach more than anything. I know I love her and can’t wait to meet her and hold her, and that is scares me to my core. Saying out loud how much I love this little girl I carry with me each day puts tears in my eyes immediately. Writing this I can feel my heart beat faster, my eyes swell, and my breath feel heavy. I know I am not the only person who wishes I had the power to view what an outcome was going to be when I really needed to know. So I could prepare for myself if that’s what  outcome called for, or so I could just relax and know everything was going to be okay.

Today I had my first non-stress test, which I will be having twice a week until delivery, and I was completely content sitting back listening to my baby’s heart beat for 20 minutes. It feels like a huge weight is being lifted off me having such amazing care from the OB and her constant reassurance and willingness to be available for anything I need or want. My OB asked me how I was doing, how my anxiety was and I said, “I don’t really know right now.” What I wanted to say was “I am not sure how I am feeling right now because everyday is intensely different, but I do know I love this baby, I love her so much.” Maybe I should just go ahead and say that next time?

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Miles birthday was Wednesday! I made him fried chicken (his favorite) and baked him a cake. That was a good day. Being distracted and focusing on making someones day helped ease the whirling thoughts. Happy Birthday Miles! ♥♥♥