Diary Entry #10

4:16 PM 7/10/19

I am still sick but I think it is finally starting to let up a bit. I haven’t done anything the last two days because I have been sick and being sick and pregnant makes getting around and getting things done feel impossible. My existential has not let up one bit and even though I finally have a high school education which means I have unlimited possibilities of what I can go to school for and do with my life, I feel like I wasted too much time. I feel like I could have been in school this whole time working towards a career, I could be starting that career, or at the very least, very close to starting that career. But instead I have no idea where I am going, what I am doing, who I want to be, what I want to be. I have no idea. I need to know soon because I can’t afford to not know forever, I need income, I need my heart to feel fulfilled.

I want to do something: start a podcast, youtube channel, more with this blog, something that helps other women struggling with stillbirth and infant loss to remember my son. I am not sure yet, and I am not sure where exactly to start. This blog is a start I guess and I love that I have somewhere I can always go when I need to talk about him and to him, but I want to do more. The stigma around stillbirth and babies dying needs to be broken, to help women heal and so women can know that this STILL happens and maybe that would be a preventive: awareness. I wish I knew more, I still hate how taboo it is. I hate that talking about him makes people uncomfortable and a women who has had a stillbirth is almost like a disease to other women.

 

What about your career makes you feel like you’re doing something that is important? How important is it to you to do something that makes you feel fulfilled?