Baby is kicking up a storm and my growing belly is making me incredibly exhausted and my nights sleepless. I had a scare earlier this week when I thought my water may have broken, turned out I just peed myself (lol), but it was terrifying nonetheless. I make sure to stay on top of my kick counts and I think I may be a little too vigilant of her movement, if that is a thing. I have 2 non-stress tests a week and my doctor is still being amazing and supportive of my constant concerns. I talk to her and she reacts with kicks that make me feel like I am on cloud 9. I absolutely love this little girl and I can’t wait to meet her. We are pretty set on a name and middle name, she is also taking my last name because my partners last name is hideous(sorry babe) and hey, its 2019 who says you can’t take your mommas name?
How am I doing?
How am I doing? Ugh that is complicated. Depends on the day, the hour, the minute. There are moments when I feel optimistic and there are times when I feel completely hopeless. What helps me stay calm is to keep busy so I am not stuck alone with my thoughts, however that has been increasingly difficult the further along in this pregnancy I get. My doctor asks me every time I see her “how is your anxiety?” and every time I don’t really know what to say because I feel loaded with so many different emotions: happiness, excitement, fear, sadness, and a lot more fear. I have tried to come up with the perfect blog post about Pregnancy Loss where I talk about honest experience but the honest truth is: I can’t seem to put it into words. I can’t seem to tell you or myself how difficult this journey has been for me. All I can really say confidently is that I am scared and in the same breath hopeful to hold this precious girl in my arms.
Physically, I have been exhausted, especially this last week so I have been napping a lot and just trying to get done what I can. My back pain has been t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e, shooting down my back through my butt and leg terrible. But I am lucky because my partner gives me plenty of foot rubs and makes sure to help me where he can. Oddly I am getting some stretch marks on my left side when I didn’t get any my first pregnancy. I thought you if you didn’t get stretch marks in your first pregnancy you wouldn’t get them! I will wear them the only way you should: with pride. Also I am so much bigger this pregnancy!! And my symptoms are so much more intense this time around, which I oddly like.
We almost have everything ready expect some things here and there: need diapers, wipes, beanies, mittens, stuff for breastfeeding, and some other little things. We got her the cutest changing table second hand that has storage underneath that we have put her clothes and plan to put the diapers and wipes. Today I found the co-sleeper I wanted for half the price at Marshalls!!!! This pregnancy I am not as worried about having the “nicest” things which feels good because it’s different and different has been comforting to me. A friend of mine gave me her ergo she has had for the last 10 years for all of kids and these expensive receiving blankets she has had for awhile but are in excellent shape. We have been really lucky with finding everything we need without spending too much because expenses are really tight right now. Things are coming together 🙂
I have a maternity shoot scheduled for Sunday that I am super excited about! I didn’t have one for my last pregnancy so it was really important to me that this time around I document all of these special moments. I am so lucky that I have an incredibly talented aunt who is going to be our photographer as a gift. Thank you Tameka! I haven’t decided where we are going to do it yet because I live in one of the most beautiful places in California so there are too many locations to choose from. What I have figured out is what I am wearing which is this cute dress I got from target for only $29.99! Hopefully I can show you all the pictures soon. ♥
What has been helping me get through:
- Having a happy place (mine is the river.)
- HAVING AN OB I TRUST (so important!!)
- Having a supportive partner and always communicating what I need from him emotionally.
- Having other loss moms to talk to (I have found my network of loss mothers through my Instagram, my in person support group that is local to me called H.A.N.D of the Bay Area, and through a reddit groups called r/ttcafterloss and r/PregnancyAfterLoss.)
- Having a go-to Netflix show to binge :p
- Going outside everyday and sitting in the sun.
- And going for walks to get some fresh air.
- Getting ready in the morning even if I am not doing anything or going anywhere
- Having a creative outlet (mine is this blog.)
- Doing little projects around the house (ex. re-arranging, organizing, adding plants, gardening.)
- Being transparent/honest about what I need from the people in my life.
- Listening to my gut and not doing what doesn’t feel right.
- Remembering my feelings are normal (also important!!)
A picture from the river on Sunday. Water is my therapy. I love spending time swimming at the river and beach the most. Also that is my little sister in the background bandaging her toe because she ripped her toenail off on a rock!