Diary Entry #12

7/29/19 9:56 AM

It is almost 10:00 in the morning and I am barely functioning (seriously can’t wait to be allowed coffee.) I haven’t been getting any sleep lately because sleep when you are at the end of 3rd trimester is nearly impossible and then to add being absolutely-fucking-terrified-anxious-wreck to it makes me impossible. I would I get about 2-3 hours of sleep every night due to my constant tossing and turning, having to get up to pee, the need to make sure I can feel my baby move, feeling to hot, and then the best of all: my thoughts that keep me up and make me feel like I am drowning. I knew pregnancy after loss was going to be the worst but shit I still did not prepare me for this.

I feel so out of touch with my self because I am so exhausted and scared everyday. Everyone keeps telling me everything is going to be okay and as much as it helps to have some sort of reassurance, I know they are just words and not reliable predictions. I want to be positive and some days I am, but I am also scared to be positive. It’s like if I am positive I am jinxing myself or something, as ridiculous as it may seem. But then there are times were I feel confident in this process, times were I know somewhere deep down SHE WILL BE HERE.

On a more “positive” note, my hair has been the shiniest and healthiest I have ever seen it and I finally have a pregnancy glow! I didn’t really glow my last pregnancy at all, and the beginning of this pregnancy started off with terrible hormonal acne, but this glow is great. I feel like a beautiful pregnant goddess, (hold the cheese, I know) even with my waddle, sweaty pregnant summer boobs, and mood swings. Having all of this anxiety, it’s nice to look and the mirror and feel good. 😉 Our house is coming together and I have totally started nesting. I still have a lot of cleaning to do but for some weird reason I have been finding it therapeutic, especially doing the laundry. I have also started doing embroidery again, although I am not very good at it, but hey who cares?

If anyone has any tips to make time go by faster, anxiety remedies, relaxation techniques, etc, I would love to hear them.

Processed with VSCO with fn16 preset
Processed with VSCO with fn16 preset