Diary Entry #13

3:10 PM 8/2/19

It has been an incredibly rough couple of days, my little brother who is 21 years old was placed on a 51/50 hold, and although I am not surprised, I am still heartbroken. He has ADHD and as he has gotten older we have thought he may be developing some other mental health issues but thank you to our lacking mental health system my mom was finding it impossible to get him evaluated. We are not sure what is going on right now, but it seems in might be a manic episode we think and are hoping is due to being bipolar, and we are only hoping because we know it gives him a better chance at being able to function with the rest of the world(we are only assuming he might be bipolar because of how he has acted the last couple of years,) but it may be schizophrenia. Everything right now is only an assumption because we are really not sure.

My mom called me a couple days ago to tell me my brother has been hearing voices and is paranoid there is someone out to get him either to kill him or have him arrested. He lives a shared home with other young people like himself, and there is an antic above his room, that is empty. We has been having auditory hallucinations thinking that there are people in the attic above him, talking about him, reading his text messages, and planning to harm him. He had written on a stack of papers a couple inches thick everything we thought these people were going to do or were planning. Thank god for his ex girlfriend because she got him to admit he was hearing voices to a councilor, who had him admitted. We found out after he was admitted that he had to be out of his place THAT NIGHT. Because of his manic state he had somehow forgotten he had to be out of his place, and as far as we know he didn’t have another living arrangement lined up. My boyfriend and I went down to help my mom get his stuff together and we saw he had bottles and bottles of different types of sleeping aides all over his room, almost empty. He hasn’t been sleeping.

To think my little brother has been going through this all alone, for 6 months, not sleeping and thinking people were legitimately out to harm him, completely breaks my heart. I couldn’t touch the stack of papers that had all of his paranoid writings because looking at them made me feel so helpless and sick, which I know is minuscule compared to whatever he was feeling and going through during this time. I am so happy he is now in a hospital where he can get evaluated and get some serious help, but I am also so scared for what the future brings. I know that a lot of people who deal with serious mental illnesses fall through the cracks and/or get addicted to drugs. I want him to be okay, I want my little brother to be able to function in this world as a happy, independent individual.

Everything is feeling so bleak and unknown right now and it is heavy. The world feels especially heavy and I am so so heartbroken. My brother and I have had a very turbulent relationship the last 6 years due to his mental with and violent tendencies, I had to step away because of this, and now I feel immense guilt for not making myself available to him. Having a relationship with him is very hard, but I would rather us have a relationship that is difficult than to not have him at all. I wish so much I would have done more and would have been there more.

If anyone has any insight on what my family is dealing with right now I would love some feedback, advice, and resources that you know are available in California. My family is new to this and he don’t know anyone who has experienced anything similar so we are having a hard time trying to figure out what the right next steps are. Thanks ♥