Diary Entry #10

4:16 PM 7/10/19 I am still sick but I think it is finally starting to let up a bit. I haven’t done anything the last two days because I have been sick and being sick and pregnant makes getting around and getting things done feel impossible. My existential has not let up one bit and…

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Diary Entry #8

7/5/19 10:23 am I have not been able to tell anyone who asks how I feel: expressing what my anxiety feels like, or what people can do to help me. I pretty certain it is the fear: the fear is is making me feel stuck and scared to understand how I really feel. Pregnancy after…

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Maya’s 2nd Birthday.

Maya Richard Morgan-Chubb The most perfect angel was born June 28th, 2017 weighing 5 pounds, 14.6 ounces, measuring 21 inches long. I remember the disbelief when they laid him in my arms, I could not believe my partner and I created someone so perfect. His nose that framed his face perfectly, his chubby checks that…

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Stillborn But Still Born: My Son Who I STILL Love More Than Anything.

As I kid I would ask my mom “Why did you have so many kids when it hurts so bad to give birth?” and she would always say “Because as soon as you hold your child for the first time, all that pain goes away instantly and you are just in love, a love like…

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Diary Entry #6

6/26/19 11:05 AM 2 days. 2 days until my sons 2nd birthday. It has been 2 years since I said hello and good bye at once. I don’t know how to process this right now, I don’t know what to write or say. I am preparing and wishing for what could have been. 2 years,…

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Diary Entry #4

6/16/19 Wow, I have been so busy lately. I was moving Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and have been trying to reorganize and get my house together in a way that makes me happy: decorating, organizing, cleaning, weeding etc. I am also approaching the the 2 year anniversary of my grandpa/dad dying and my son’s birthday.…

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Diary Entry #1

5/19/19 9:24 pm Today was an okay today, considering how hard the last week has been. My car got broken into for the second time (the first time they smashed my window), and they stole everything out of my glove box, which I had forgotten to take out my pink slip. We are also not…

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The Gift He Gave Me

    I never heard Maya cry, I never saw him open his eyes. When he was laid down on my chest he was not moving, or screaming, he was completely silent and still. Seeing him for the first time, I was shocked that we created him, that together my boyfriend and I made a…

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7 Things I Wish I Knew Before My Stillbirth

         1. That stillbirths still happen and I am not the only one       (1 in 100) When I was in the hospital after I had given birth, I wanted to run away. Run somewhere I didn’t know anyone and no one could find me. I felt so isolated sitting…

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