Diary Entry #8

7/5/19 10:23 am I have not been able to tell anyone who asks how I feel: expressing what my anxiety feels like, or what people can do to help me. I pretty certain it is the fear: the fear is is making me feel stuck and scared to understand how I really feel. Pregnancy after…

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Maya’s 2nd Birthday.

Maya Richard Morgan-Chubb The most perfect angel was born June 28th, 2017 weighing 5 pounds, 14.6 ounces, measuring 21 inches long. I remember the disbelief when they laid him in my arms, I could not believe my partner and I created someone so perfect. His nose that framed his face perfectly, his chubby checks that…

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Stillborn But Still Born: My Son Who I STILL Love More Than Anything.

As I kid I would ask my mom “Why did you have so many kids when it hurts so bad to give birth?” and she would always say “Because as soon as you hold your child for the first time, all that pain goes away instantly and you are just in love, a love like…

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Diary Entry #6

6/26/19 11:05 AM 2 days. 2 days until my sons 2nd birthday. It has been 2 years since I said hello and good bye at once. I don’t know how to process this right now, I don’t know what to write or say. I am preparing and wishing for what could have been. 2 years,…

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Diary Entry #4

6/16/19 Wow, I have been so busy lately. I was moving Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and have been trying to reorganize and get my house together in a way that makes me happy: decorating, organizing, cleaning, weeding etc. I am also approaching the the 2 year anniversary of my grandpa/dad dying and my son’s birthday.…

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Taking breaks from social media to reclaim yourself.

After my stillbirth I found myself falling down the rabbit whole that is social media. I knew exactly what was happening in everyone else’s lives, even more than I really knew what was going on in mine. I would sit for hours looking on Instagram seeing who was liking what, who was dating who, what…

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The Gift He Gave Me

    I never heard Maya cry, I never saw him open his eyes. When he was laid down on my chest he was not moving, or screaming, he was completely silent and still. Seeing him for the first time, I was shocked that we created him, that together my boyfriend and I made a…

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7 Things I Wish I Knew Before My Stillbirth

         1. That stillbirths still happen and I am not the only one       (1 in 100) When I was in the hospital after I had given birth, I wanted to run away. Run somewhere I didn’t know anyone and no one could find me. I felt so isolated sitting…

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Losing my “Dad” and son in the same week.

In June of 2017 it was an incredibly hot summer in California, especially warmer for a myself being I was in my third trimester. My partner and I were tying up all the loose ends: getting the baby’s car seat set up in my car, cleaning up around the house, organizing and washing his clothes,…

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